2.27.2003,23:07
go see this website. it made me fall off my chair, and full credit goes to Agent M who discovered it. http://www.idlewords.com/explosions.html

Also, am I the only one who's noticed that it seems like the moment one person posts a comment, it seems to open a flood gate and everyone has something to say? either that or everyone is bored and talkative tonight. I for one, am certainly bored, but dispite being sick, bed is a ways off yet, given my 12 hour sleep last night and my nap this afternoon. Maybe it's time for new guestbook questions... ahh the things we do when we're bored.

I am facing a dilema this evening though - I'm too sick to go to school tomorrow, but does that mean I'm also too sick to keep my appointment with Chloe at the salon tomorrow? see, it is tough being a girl, so many decisions. I suppose I'll go so long as I'm better enough to type up the rest of my essay first. See, I do try to be rational, it just never works out.
 
posted by sasha
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,16:35
eugh. still sick. I still feel like crud, even though I've spent basically the entire past two days in bed and slept for almot 12 hours last night. well, wasn't I saying I needed a break? this was not the way I'd hoped to get it though. still have to find the energy to finished that damend paper somehow though, which seems so daunting, especially given that taking a shower this morning took enough energy that I had to go and take a nap. yeeshk.
 
posted by sasha
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2.26.2003,11:05
I am sick. Doctor's office going type sick. My throat is so swollen I can hardly breathe, let alone swallow. Miserable. Not the way I would have chosen to get out of my midterm this afternoon. Hell, I was even ready to face the evil mid term, but instead I get to face what my mom figures is either strepthroat (that would be the good option) or mumps (the bad). Either way, I clearly need a nurse. My big accomplishment of the day was standing up long enough to pour the cambell's chicken soup in the pot to get warm, and even that I wrecked by spilling hot broth all over my feet. Miserable. I must go now as I am trying to build up strength for the long treck to the doctors. Yes, nurse WITH a car. That would do nicely.
 
posted by sasha
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2.25.2003,13:32
dissed by technology once again. cbg did sign my guestbook, I saw it last night. it was funny. now it's gone. i feel so thwarted. mmmph.

the paper has now wrangled itself into outline form and is ready for typing, which means I have now switched into "studying for international politic mid-term" mode, and am about to warp into "crawl onto the bus" mode to go and talk about Rousseau or some other equivelant jackass. fun. on the other hand, I just made my first grilled cheese sandwitch. I've always liked them, but I didn't eat them growing up much, and C makes such perfect one I just never bothered. Mmmmetled cheesey goo. sometimes, contentment is hiding between two grilled slices of bread.
 
posted by sasha
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2.24.2003,17:30
mmmmph. cold and grumpy. doing research for evil paper - was forced to nap. Now I feel slimy. might be shower time. but I should be doing research. But at least now I've napped and so I can stay up all night reading. Aren't I an exciting person? Sorry, but for the time being, I too am searching for someone good to live vicariously through.

Oh, and I'm not baking cookies for people who don't sign my guestbook. That doesn't neccessarily mean I will be baking for those who do, but does thoroughly ensure that I won't for those who don't. Ha!
 
posted by sasha
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2.21.2003,19:32
behind me, my cat has gone completely schizy - she is running back and forth across the house, frantically chasing absolutley nothing. But it's okay, I can relate. God does not love me today, or at least not my research project. I am feeling sufficiently thwarted, and as such am now abondoning, for a couple of days anyways. Take that stupid paper, treat me badly and I leave. Now if you'll excuse me, nothing's getting away, and I have to catch it before my cat does.
 
posted by sasha
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2.19.2003,22:40
although I have to admit, I seem to be, by nature, shitty at spelling the names of different kinds of pasta.

Coeur and I and maybe Agent M are going to see the Two Towers tomorrw afternoon. I'm psyched that I'm finally going to see it, plus I get to hang out with belle and the boy. good stuff. For now, however, I'm going to do my favorite thing to do by myself (okay, other than that), a bubble bath with a good book, and possible attempts to further my war on body hair.
 
posted by sasha
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,14:57
well folks, as you can see, I've been putting off doing homework. The results of this include me finally figuring out how to make my hit counter visable (and in retrospect, not being able to figure out how it was ever invisable...), a new guestbook you should all go sign (come on, I know you have something you're procrastinating on too... and besides, y'all have to justify my sitting in front of my computer a 2:00 this morning coming up with silly questions), and a new quiz you can go take at:
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
because it's fun and it sure ain't writing a paper.
Which, in the mean time, is what I'll be doing. Or research for one, anyways, and the patterns of development and labour division in Notrh America under NAFTA. FUn, fun, fun.
 
posted by sasha
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,11:43
On Coeur's site the other day I saw an old wondernet chat between her and Marilee, and that got me thinking about where this site's title came from. Coeur used to spend a lot of time chatting with people (mostly from Virtual High) on this wondernet (bbs intranet type shite) thing, and whenever I got that chance, I'd be there with her. Instead of envying her that shinny wonderful thing called an internet conection that pretty much no one (especially not me) had back then, I just spent every possible second at her house on her computer with her.

We chatted with a bunch of people, but the ones I remember the most were (for the purposes of this story anyways) Allen and McGill, two guys in PoCo or some other ungodly suburb like that. And we used to chat with them for hours, about subjects such as saving the world from space mutants, clear plastic cat suits (okay, that wasn't OUR idea...) and etc. And that's where, somehow, I was named the compassionate telepath, and allegedly I was supposed to sit around in a field of flowers, but on one of my moodier days that was switched to a field of landmines. So this website is named after my online alter-ego, as created by boys from the burbs. But I think it fits.

Oh those were the days though, I'd be at Coeur's at least 2 or so nights a week, our 13 year old selves draped around her desk, or later in different rooms, wrapped around phones once Coeur was brave enough to give them her number. And it was all this big game, nuances, hints, dueling, dancing, while no one ever actually had to say anything. Of course, we eventually made the mistake of agreeing to meet them in real life (aka in person), and of course when we all met, none of us, despite having spent the better part of days talking to one another, knew what to say. That's pretty much where the story ended for me, but maybe Coeur'll tell y'all how it really ended someday. And luv, if you still have any of those old chats, send 'em my way?? Please?? I'm feeling nostalgic.
 
posted by sasha
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,11:26
did you guys know that I am, apparently, a hockey whiz? I'm not sure just how it happened, but my team is currently ranked 13,524 of 160,840. See, 13 thousandth place sucks until you mention that's in the top ten percent. Then it's good... real good, especially given this is in a worldwide hockey pool run by sportingnews.com, web home of sports buffs everywhere. Of course now that I've mentioned this, my fall from grace is inevitable.
 
posted by sasha
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2.18.2003,18:14
Life just never stops being eventfull, eh? First off, in regards to us all wanting to get together: It's a fantastic idea, and I'd really love to see y'all, and I think Coeur is even supposed to be in town later this week, but unfortunately I don't think I can do Saturday. This weekend is mine and Cam's fifth anniversary, so I won't be around much. On the other hand, Friday evening/night would be good... Lemme know, y'all know my number.

And, on another note, Coeur has recently mentioned that she might actually be living in Van next year... we've missed you babe! Dunno if she's planning on living at home, working, or what all, but I just know it'll be good to have her back. And on the subject of paople living places, it is seeming increasingly likely that I will be moving at the end of April. A couple of friends of mine are moving and what three people can afford if a hell of a lot better than what one can, and I really need to move out. It's just time.

All in all life is looking pretty peachy. I mean, I'm a bit stressed about having to jet a job by sometime in early April to get the cash together to move, but I have faith it will work out. Otherwise, my best friend (duh Coeur) is talking about moving back into town, school is going well and I even have a couple of interesting papers to write this week (yes, actually interesting!), C is working away in night school, I'm about to have my fifth anniversary (which may, I believe be a new family rrecord) and Spring may finally be here. C'est bon, mais oui?
 
posted by sasha
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2.15.2003,17:09
well, none of that came out coherently, what with having to write it in little chunks, but hey, none of it was coherent to being with anyways.
 
posted by sasha
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,17:08
Well, y'all know how the story goes now. I trusted, I was betrayed. Can I do your astrological chart? Well, that sounded innocent to me, but as we've already covered, I was wrong. Turns out he wanted to do my chart so he would have a good reason to stare soulfully into my eyes and announce he was in love with me. As if it were my problem, as if it was anywhere near appropriate, as if I would ever play a part in that fantasy world. Sorry, I leared my lesson on that awhile ago. But fuck, eh, you just can't trust anyone.

Well, I let the event slide, but everything else just kept sliding too, into a really sick place. R never mentioned being in love with me again, but things still got worse. I'd been fighting with Coeur for several weeks befor eI learned that our whole fight had essentially been created by R, who had been "passing messages" between us of things we'd never said. And he had this great habit of compounding misery. And I had to get out. And I hurt him?? Only if you're too scared to face the truth of your own actions.

So R, if you have broken your word and happen across this, here's my message to you:
I beleive you are a good person. I do not belive you are a happy person. I think that you are a potentially damaging person because you yourself are in a very dark place. I think you crossed many lines you shouldn't have. I feel that you created a fight between K and I because you were afraid I'd "turn her against you." I think that, regarless of any attraction you had to either K or myself, it was entirely inappropriate of you to bring it up with us. It is not uncommon for an older man to be attracted to a younger girl. It is not right, however, for the man to try to manifest that fanatsy. I think that these feelings ar ebehind why you maintain contact with K and are still writing on your website. I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I think you made the right choice when you agreed to back off, a choice that validated the ways many of us felt we had been manipulated and how we felt about where you'd crossed important boundary lines. I feel further betrayed that you did not keep your word on this. You no longer have my trust or respect as you have behaved in ways that I feel are immature to an extent that is not acceptable, especially in someone your age, and that were damaging, and by breaking your word, your first attempt to right your wrongs, you are no where near beginning to rebuild it.
 
posted by sasha
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,17:07
#2 But people are also very dissapointing. I was catching up on Coeur's webpage after w eek or so's absence, and I noticed a new link, one that I'd seen before, but also one I'd seen removed before. How strange, I thought to myself, that K would have a link to R's webpage up again even though he swore he'd shut down his page and stopped reading all of ours as a step towards making amends for all that went wrong. very wrong. But there's this little link. But R had promised he wouldn't be in contact (really how much can any sane almost 40 year old want to fuck with the lives of a bunch of young twenty-somethings... and for how long?) and I couldn't help but be dismayed that he'd broken his word already. Well, so much for increasing your chance at a resurgenece of trust.

And then, flipping by, I saw my name. Okay, not my name, my character's name from our old d&d game and my initial. And i thought fuck, doesn't everyone just own a little piece of you. And he says that I said hurtful things. Lemme explain something here. I don't trust people all that easily, and when it comes to male friends, I am always on defense against the inevitable "hey baby" bullshit. Everyone has a different approach to it, but it's really all the same. Someone happens to be attracted to you, for whatever reason, and all of the sudden it's your problem. R was our DM (dungeon master) and the step-father of one of my new friends. He was nice, he was safe (c'mon, my friend;s dad?) and I trusted him. This is not normal behavior for me. I am usually even more defensive around older guys, especially after my little sister's dad, and a certain 28 year old when I was fourteen, and a few other of the sort (Coeur's older brother even). Anyways, I do not trust men, especially not older ones. But R just never gave me reason to feel that I had to be defensive that way. I felt relaxed, and, stupidly, I trusted.
 
posted by sasha
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,17:00
i am currently of two completely different minds, so today will require two different blogs.

#1 Went to the peace march downtown today with a bunch of friends and was really proud and amazed by the number of people who showed up. Early estimates are posting it at something near 40,000. It felt really good to be there, to be with people who aren't just totally into wallowing in their own shit and instead want to look up and see how they can be or do something more. I've been going to peace marches and rallies since long before I could walk, and thus know by heart all the chants and songs, and I swear the combined passion of all of those people must be enough to reach SOMEONE, or so I hope.And it's good to hang out with people who understand why thinking about war brings tears to your eyes, and who you can hold hands and sway with while you sing Imagine.
 
posted by sasha
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2.14.2003,22:07
meh. so I haven't exactly been blogging every day. I've been busy. Or at least, I think I have... all that time must be going somewhere... maybe it's time for a Week in Review...

Sunday: Don't exactly remember, it was a long time ago. Lemme see, last weekend I guess I was hanging out with C... yeah, that sounds right.

Monday: School and studying/avioding studying for mid term

Tuesday: Studied, wrote mid term, went to library for books for paper, went for beer to celebrate overness of mid term, wne to Ali's, drank wine, smoked j, ate sushi and watched a fucked up movie called "How to get ahead in advertising" with Ali, Myles, Anna and Jen

Wednesday: Skipped school (well wtf?? there was supposed to be a strike so I slept in, and by the time I woke up it was too late for anything but my late class, and I didn't want to go anyways) so instead went t o C's

Thursday: Still at C's, then home to study for yet another mid term, then to Ali's for more studying (nice to have friends in the same classes, eh?)

And that brings us to today, Friday: school, got big, fat A on English in-class essay, wrote geography mid term, went for a beer at the Gallery to (once again) celebrate mid term overness. Three (or so, who's counting) beers and a tequila sunrise later, home. And depressingly sober. But I do need a night to sleep and veg, so that'll be tonight.

Tomorrow is Chen's birthday, and I was going to go and get my hair done, but a recent chat with my alarmingly depleted bank balance has determined that, no, I won't be doing that, but I do plan on going to the Anti-War rally and then going Irish dancing for Chen's birthday. Any day now my vacation will start. AND TO ALL PEOPLE WITH MORE MONEY THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH:
send me some. I'm currently experiencing an extreme shortage of funds and could sure use some.
 
posted by sasha
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2.10.2003,21:55
is amazing the lengths I will go to lately to avoid school work. I have this mid term thing tomorrow and I've been putting off dealing with it for quite awhile. I mean I have done some reviewing, and I am meeting with people to study for five or so hours tomorrow, but I still feel like I should be doing something, reading Rousseau or Aristotle or contemplating the shape of the state of nature, or or, yeah, but instead I did a crossword puzzle with Mom, helped shovel Chen into bed, and am now screwing around on the computer. I told you I have no motivation this term. I know enough to do decently well on this exam, and I just cannot be assed to do any better. I just can't make myself care.

And do you know what I really wanted to do today? Go and see the Two Towers. It's showing at the Van East at 4:00 everyday and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN IT! Maybe this TA strike will come to some good and I'll actually get to see it this week before it leaves theatres forever and I'm forced to watch it on crappy-o-vision.
 
posted by sasha
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,14:48
well, it's mid afternoon and I'm online -- any guesses what I'm trying to put off? "Cause that is the way I work, and in this case, it's about 600 pages (no, seriously) of political philosophy (either translated from ancient greek or even more exciting and coherent, 17th century english) that I have to go over (okay, okay, basically read for the first time) for tomorrow's mid term. Oh fucken joy.

I need a vacation. A real, bonified vacation, where no one expects you to do anything because they don't know where the fuck you are. It's not that I don't love, well, everybody, but I just really need a break from people expecting me to do things like, oh say, hold a coherent conversation, or do dishes, or ... (okay, I could go on... how about bring people, whatever that means... hang on, I must have some in a sack here somewhere...) anyways, okay I'm feeling bitchy. Every time the phone rings lately it's someone who wants me to do something for them, and I'm bloody sick of it. Why don't y'all call up and offer to do favours for me instead? Because I'm already going nutty, and as such will not be doing anything for anyone. And some of this shit people have been thinking I oughtta do for them, lemme tell you, is not shit I oughtta be doing for them. Not shit they should even be asking me to do. But yet they do. It feels like my head's in a vice-grip.
 
posted by sasha
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2.09.2003,20:21
well, I'm finally about to start my English paper that's due tomorrow. It's on a Rita Dove poem called "Parsley" which is actually a great poem. I highly recommend it. What can I say but that it's been a busy week end. And this week should be equally mad, with two nasty, smelly mid terms. C'est la vie, mais oui?

At least today I'm a well adjusted person.
 
posted by sasha
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2.06.2003,21:50
and by the way, you really should follow that link to quite possibly the funniest thing ever. I just went and watched it again and it really is every bit as good as I'd remembered.
 
posted by sasha
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,21:45
War is god's way of teaching Americans geography
- Ambrose Bierce

I actually don't think I have anything to bitch about. Tomorrow is Friday already, and C is coming over, and most of my home work is done, and I just got off the phone with Coeur. La vie est belle. Also, while reading Hobbes, I found the very best misprint ever. The following is exactly as it appears in my Classics in Political Philosophy book:

"... the acknowledgement of one Cod, eternal, infinite, and omnipotent..."

what can I say but ALL HAIL THE COD!
 
posted by sasha
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,11:34
Weird.. I can actually access the internet from home today... this just doesn't seem right. Stupid modem spends 75% of it's time ramdomly offline lately, and even a very angry phone call to the good folks at shaw only warrented a "we'll send someone over on Saturday..." sigh. I guess it's irratic internet until then. but I am adding funny links. Go see them. You will laugh. Laugh is good.

I'm an apparently intelligent, liberal, tight as fuck, relatively well adjusted human being!
What are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
aww shucks, flattery will get you everywhere.
 
posted by sasha
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2.05.2003,17:19
Well, it's Wednesday evening again, which means I am once more killing time until my 7:00 poli sci class. Up side: with five hours of breaks, I get loads of reading done. Down side: as if there's only one, but for starts hanging around campus loathing the stupid people and having nothing to eat but the truly evil fare being pushed by surly UBC Food Services representatives. But I did have a really good seminar for my other poli sci class (the political philosophy one) today, but not because the material is all that interesting (by any stretch) but because I like my TA. He's kind of cute and knows already that I'll take him on on any argument he brings up, so now when he suggests something he tends to look directly at me, with this very motivating, cocky, smart, and by the sum of all those, sexy, eyebrow-cocked smile. Fun fun fun.

I got brave and wore a skirt today, directly in spite of the fact that it is freezing out. It is sunny, and since it's February, it's not winter any more (right? RIGHT?!) thus it is officially skirt weather. Short skirt weather even, despite the complaints of my newly-numb knees. And don't worry, I already have reperation plans -- I've promised them I'll go curl up in the Aquatic Centre where it's nice and warm to do my reading. With maybe a breif stop in SUB for tea... But Coeur is definately right about these things, activities like leg shaving (which admittedly, along with certain other body-hair removal rituals, I preform religiously every second day) and (most notedly in my case (hey, lots of brackets today, eh?)) skirt wearing have a weird effect on people, especially ones of that more masculine gender (and really, if I just meant men, I would have said that, but I have also been approached by girls twice today...). My experiences today have ranged from "Nice legs, what's between 'em?" (yeah, hi A, how's it going...) to "Hey, excuse me" "Yes?" "would you mind coming back and walking in front of that window a few more times?" (from the lovely boys in the Arts Undergrad Society Office) to "You know, I find it very sexy when a woman is as in touch with her sexual energy as you clearly are" (from one of those fairly masculine non-men I was talking about -- and really, what business of her is it? I mean, first off, she starts by telling me what she finds sexy, and then it turns out to be some random psychic beam she says she can see that may or may not exist - nice pick up line. And while I am off on a bit of a rant about this, she was the most offensive, because everyone else was joking around, while she treid to grab my arm, in, I'm guessing, an attempt to gaze even more intenly and creepily into my eyes. I don't like it when any one I don't know grabs me, regardless of gender). Oy. Train of thought crashing.

But yeah, reading to do, so I'm on my way to tea and coziness, but everyone out there please remember, any pick up line that involves grabbing someone is not good. Yeah. yyyeeeaach.
 
posted by sasha
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2.02.2003,22:07
well, I'm home from Victoria now, and a bit on the tired and stressed side of the tracks because I have loads to do, and my family has already driven me into sullen, brooding retreat, what with having to deal with them all for Kat's birthday dinner, and V playing the "edge S out and make sure you're the coolest and best-loved big sister game" and it's not like I really care, because I figure that both our little sisters look to us for different things, but then she starts being patronizing, and it all goes downhill from there.

Sometimes I think maybe she actaully does do it deliberately. Whenever she can tell that I'm starting to get irritated, and I'm less talkative and a bit more distant, she knows it's time to attack. And she does it so subtly and yet it is all so calculated, and she has it down to an art. She starts giving me advice about things I'm stressed about, even though they're none of her business, and generally things that she should be the last person giving advice about, like money, school, etc. And I get like, yah, okay thanks, hoping she'll back off her making me look like a fuckwad who can't keep her shit together campaign, but she never does, oh no. No rest for the wicked. She goes on giving pithy advice and trivializing anything I say until she find an excuse to mention our dad. FUCK!!

Now see, my "father" (certainly not a title he has earned, more like "sperm donor and cheif asshole" but anyways) is not exactly a nice person. He is an extremely smart person and an alarmingly stubborn person, but then I start running out of even reasonably nice things to say about him. He breaks my heart systematically every time I let him anywhere near me, since I was a little, little girl. I would decide to try to open up to him, send him a letter, whetever, and then every few years I'd see him (few = 4 to 5) and he'd say he was so happy to see me, and that he'd always loved me and thought about me, etc. etc. and that he wanted a chance to start again with me, and so on. And then I'd get home, and it would fall apart, and I'd realize he lied, and had been full of shit all along.

The most recent incidences of this include the time I went and had dinner with him when I was about 13 or so, and we hung out all eveing, blah blah blah, and at one piont he was "leveling with me" on his back porch and said "well, at least I always did what I could, I always paid child support." I didn't say anything, but that certainly wasn't what I knew to be reality. When I got home from Calgary I found out mom was finally preparing to file through the courts and force him to pay, for the first time since the half-assed attempt he made at it for two months when I was in grade 2. Fuck.

and the fast forward a few years, to when Cam and I went to visit him, when I was 16 I think. And we turned over a fresh leaf, and I forgave him again, and same blah blah blah. And then I got home. And then some time passed where we actually talked on the phone on and off and were alright for a bit. ANd then I got some thing in the mail. Seems V had mentioned to him (because they're all buddy-buddy for the first time) that I was working, so he wanted to have my income assesed to see if he could get out of paying. Working part time to save up for school, he's only paid for like three bloody years, and he already wants out. Right after our latest new leaf.

But we had been trying to get along, right? So I called him and said "hey, I got these papers, what's that all about" and he said "I wouldn't know, nothing to do with me, maybe you're just getting older." And it sounded like a load of crap to me, but I didn't say anything. But then he called me back a few days later, while I had a bunch of people over, and started saying how dare I accuse him of trying to get out of paying child support, and what an ungrateful selfish child I am, and am I trying to say he's a bad person, and so on. And I said that I had people over (this was during game in my old basement, in case anyone remembers the "S spontaniously cries" game) and would he call me back in about an hour. But he never did.

And time passed, and we didn't talk, because I didn't fell like I had anything to apologize for, but I knew that was all he'd hear. And then V let slip, not once, not twice, but three times. First, that he'd told her where the papers had come from, that is a legal group he'd joined of dads who didn't think they should be paying child support and wanted to get out of it. Fuck, so you had nothing to do with it, eh? Second, he's paying for her to go out and visit for a week, not nearly as bad as third: comes to town, sees her not me, and she promises not to tell me. Very betrayed by them both. She tells me only months later, when she figures him and I will never speak again, so maybe it's safe. And even then she only accidentally let it slip.

And so whenever she wants to hurt me, she brings him up, just in passing, like hey, he loves me but not you. And he sends her money, even though he doesn't legally have to, while every couple of months I get a new set of forms in the mail, the results of his latest attempt to weasle his miserable way out of having to support his child. And he does still have to, so long as I'm living with mom, at school and under 23, which I am. This batch of forms even required a letter from my school and notarization. Fucker.

And did I mention the him and his wife own a nice big house and several vehicles, while we struggle endlessly to make ends meet. I hope he chokes on something and V finds a way to make herself happy without squashing me so that she looks better. Who needs enemies?
 
posted by sasha
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