it's a whiney morning. check this out.

Agent K-aaaaayyyy, what should I bring to Victoriaaaah? Where are wee going? Should I still bring dress-up clothes? Tell me what to dooooo.

Hah, whining leaving system already. But really coeur, don't make me make decisions for myself.

sweet! My english in-class essay this Friday morning has officially been postponed to next week. One less thing I have to think about, and that, my friends, is a good thing. In honour of that, I officially declare today "Day of the Run-on Sentences"!!!

I love main library this time of day, it's so nice and quiet, and the computers actually function at a reasonable speed cuz virtually no one's using them, and all the evil clones have retreated into their dens for the night, so it's just a nice big room full of my own quiet thoughts, inside a big old stone building with scary portraits of past deans hanging on the walls. It's so nice to be able to sit anywhere on campus and not have to listen to the relentless yammering of a thousand drones, disscussing the true merits of shoe shopping, mustache bleaching, and other things I'd much rather not have discussed inside these (alleged) hallowed halls of learning, cell phones ringing all the while in a symphony of discordant beep-bleep electronica musak. Peace at least.

And all in all it's been a peaceful past few days in the KINGDOM OF S, with my family staying away enough and my friends staying close enough to hold me in the soothing embrace of sanity. I've realized that my needs are actually very few, the occasional (alright, near-daily) stroll around Trout Lake, warm cups of kick-in-the-head strong coffee, the company of someone who loves me (here's looking at you monsie), long enough periods of no one else at home so that I can actually remember what I look like under my clothes, and downloaded episodes of the sopranos newest season. Other similar combinations may also be applicable (eg. laying around in Agent Coeur's bed). Okay, so those aren't exactly the fewest or simplist needs, so maybe I'm just lucky that the universe has the grace to grant them to me, every now and then.

At this point February is shaping up to be a month of madness, beginning in Victoria (with a drinky-poo or two?), on through to one little sister's birthday the following monday, C's schoolistration, several midtems, my other little sister's birthday (the day after valentine's, which I do not celebrate), reading break/a chance for C and I to celebrate our fifth anniversary, and then of course, more mid terms. But there are enough good things sandwitched in there that I remain optimistic. Yes, that's right, I'm back and remaining optimistic. I know what you're thinking... and the flowers in my field are just starting to bloom again (really, I've seen crocuses and blossoms, and even a rhododendron). I don't know where my usual dose of idealism went, I'm just glad it's back.

Well, I had a brief identity crisis when someone mentioned that I'd disappeared, and I was like, wait, I'm right here... and so here I am. I am about to tackle a giant mountain of aristotle, which has been looming over me for several days, threatening to collapse and crush me. But I also have finally made concrete plans for the impending Victoria trip, and have also made my room smell like bergamot and ylang-ylang (so good they had to name it twice...) and these are all things that make me happy, and help to counteract the pressure of Aristotle and a rapidly closing english in-class essay. The nice thing, however, about in-class essays, is that if your prof is nice like mine, then you don't get a topic or anything before hand, so there's nothing you can do about it until you sit down in class to write it. Takes much less time that conventional essay type crap.

I've also had a couple of absolutely sublime visits with C lately, proving that we have finally broken free of that evil curse that made us find somthing stupid to fight about everytime we got together. Thank the gods, because I really couldn't have taken much more of it. And really, it seemed to happen without either of us actually causing it (which in reality, due to my complete lack of objectivity on this matter, means it was all my fault) but yeah, no more, and that is good, because nothing throws me into vertigo faster than my when solice and shelter from all things nasty seems to be going bad. But it's not. It's good.

But really, I am going to do homework now. You probably should too (and if you really don't have any, you're welcome to come do some of mine...).

I feel like a who today, sitting on a dust-speck asserting my right to exist -- do you hear me now Horton? I AM HERE! I am here, just like all these other people sitting on this dust speck, crying out to be heared so that whoever's holding the clover on which our dust spek sits won't boil it and kill us all. It's kind of like feeling simultaniously insignificant and self-important. But all in all, I think I am a more level peoson than I used to be. I mean, okay, I am still prone to randomly falling into pits of melancholy, but at least now from the bottom of one, I can still see where I stand. And they happen less frequently. I'm also better at confronting things - a bit less self denial, you know. But thus far this has actually been a good week, despite the headache sitting in the back of my next waiting for an oppertunity to pounce.

arms race = missile envy
(c'mon, thing about it, what are they shaped like...)
-- yet another reason I love taking political science classes - we get into discussions like those.

mmm what a nice day. spent this morning being lazy and beddy with C, went to political science, came home and had dinner and went for coffee and desert. nothing like the classic combo of a libra room coffee (mmm...), tiramisu, a walk around trout lake in the rain, a joint to smoke, and any possible members of the crew (thanks Agent M). Now I'm happy. Warm and content is a good way to feel. So long as I don't think about all my reading I'm supposed to be doing. (Bad brain, don't think about that!)

well guys, it's okay, I wouldn't want to comment on anything I've had to say lately either. What can I say, I just have not been made up of sweetness and light lately. But poor Chen got seven stitches yesterday, so if anyone want to post an "aww poor baby" comment for her, I'll pass 'em on. And really, seven stitches is a lot from a wine glass. poor baby...

on another note, I will absolutely never get all my homework done. It is just a fact I will have to come to terms with.

arg.
Where sunless rivers weep
Their waves into the deep
She sleeps a charmed sleep,
Awake her not.

Led by a single star
She came from very far
To where shaodws are,
Her pleasant lot.

She left the rosy morn
She left the fields of corn
For twilight cold and lorn
And water springs.

Through sleep as through a veil
She sees the sky look pale
And hears the nightengale
That sadly sings.

Do not go gently into that good night,
Rage, oh rage against the dying of the light.

I am just one big ball of what the fuck. I am moody, sullen, broody, angry, cheerful and judgemental. I am a post-modern excersize in frustration. I am an impotent storm cloud. I am Christina Rossetti meets Dylan Thomas. I am the original hollow man. I am deeply unsatisfied and dishonestly self-centred. I do not want to have to deal with anything more. I want out. I am a cry for help.

I almost hit my mom this morning. My littlest sister cut her hand quite badly last night, and my mom has been being a dipshit about it all day, fucking around in the shower and doing chores around the house instead of taking her to the clinic to get the fucking thing sewn up. I had to lose it and beg her to take the poor kid to the clinic. Mom tried to pretend that she was doing it because my sister was so terrifed that she wouldn't let the doctor look at it. I was like, okay mom, you're going to let a 10 year old decide whether or not she needs medical attention?? WHAT THE FUCK????

And then it just got better. Mom's ability to not have her shit together is completely amazing. We get to the clinic and they say that my sister's msp number "is no longer valid" and thus they can't see her. WTF mom?? did you submit a change of address to them? Do you even know what fricking address they have her at? Here, the last place, or any of the other handful before that? Do you even make an attempt to keep on top of any of this?? How, someone please tell me, did she make it to 44 being less responsible than I am? God save us all.

And I truly wish it ended there, but does it? Oh no. This is my life, it has to be more fun than that, right? After all, everything's still almost sane up to this point. So they have now left to take my other little sister to her soccer game (because god forbid we put a 15 year old on the bus - oh wait, you fucking hypocrit!!!) and then to go to a clinic where they have all the youngest's info on file, because in theory they won't bother checking to see is her msp # is valid because they won't have to register her as a new patient or anything. Here's the kicker: my mom's birthday tea party to which she has invited all her friends and a bunch of coworkers, is only several hours away. In fact, it is set to start a mere hour after the soccer game ends, and given that mom has to drive here from the soccer game all the way across town, and stop to pick up my big sister and go to soccer sister's dad's house, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that she'll be here anything that resembles on time, let alone in time to get anything ready.

Which leaves me. Here I am, last person left in the house. Only person here before the party. Dishes need doing, bathroom needs cleaning, living room is a disaster, and all the food has to be made and put out and all that crap. And I have to read about 150 pages of Plato's Republic, several other poli sci chapters, do french homework and english reading. I am thrilled. I am so pissed off I actually want to break things. I want to cry and throw a tantrum. This is not fair. I do not have time to do all of this. And mom didn't even ask me to, no, she just left. But it all still has to be done, and all of the sudden I am the only one here.

I did mention this to her earlier. SHe said I should mind my own business. I said that I'd happily mind my own business once I stopped having to deal with her business (exacly who loaned you the money to pay rent on time bitch?? on top of everything else). And she said well, you live under my roof. I want out of here so fucking badly. I want to stop being miserable and crying all the time, and watching her fuck up my baby sister and stress the crap out of all of us. I feel like such an idot splashing tears across my keyboard. I've had enough. I want out.

why oh why am i so tired today?? too tired to capitalize. (letters or on oppertunities). c asked me how i was doing today, and naturally I said fine. then he asked me how i was actually doing. you know, i actually had to stop and think about it. i mean, i statred to say, "oh, yopu know, busy as usual" or some of that kind of bullshit, but then i kind of realized that that was just another programed respons, and so i actually considered the question. how the hell am i? do i even still exist under this huge pile of crap that keeps me perpetually moving from point a to b too fast and frantic to stop and feel lost? i almost cried. i feel like a walking to do list.

(me/todo)
homework - poli sci readings, irelevant french excersizes, et al.
taxes
but first, figure out finances - I fucking hate money
get together the last of school books - buy/photocopy as neccessary
pull off mom's birthday dinner bruhaha with sisters
coordinate mom's birthday tea party with friends
laundry
get over identity crisis
buy groceries
vacuum
get c to go to school without making him hate me
visit coeur
see chiropractor
see doctor
write a "response"
get happy
sleep
and i'm sure i'll keep myself up tonight adding to this list. how can i possibly need a fricking holiday already and why does 2003 look like it has no intention of being anymore peaceful than 2002?? i suppose mom was right all along -- life just ain't fair.

oh wait, it's back. wtf??

mmm another day. and I actually got my student loan cash yesterday, which means today I can actually go and buy books and thus stop being so damned behind on my reading. not that I'm really that enthused about reading 150 pages of plato, but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. This includes ranting about that stupid stilletto trend. I mean, okay, you know me, I have no objection, in principal anyways, to sexy shoes. I just object to people who missuse them, such as wearing them to school everyday, and ending up like the girl I saw yesterday juming up and down triyg to dislodge her heel from the sewer grate. Girlie, you looked like a jackass. and a stupid one at that. Ladies, don't let yourself fall into her shoes (trust me, they're really not comfortable).

Coeur says I should go back to Victoria to visit her again soon, and she's probably right, but she also says she's coming to town soon, so maybe it's futile for me to start planning my trip until she starts planning hers, but just in case not, I'm starting to think about making the trek on the weekend of Feb. 1st/2nd, or maybe the one following that. Depending on stuff. You know how it goes.

In other news, my comment form seems to have magically vanished... and (sad confession time) I don't know how to fix it, or even how it broke. It was still fine and happy yesterday, where did it go today?? Sigh. Time to go find out what Plato's so sorry for.

must crush... i mean change...

presto e chango?

today I exist in a vacuum. there is no world. are no people. no food. no air. just me. just me painting myself in stripes of melancholy and quite contentment. I wanted to be ambitious today, but instead I became something else, and the house is cold and quite. and maybe, just maybe I know what the problem is. no people. not that they don't exist. despite my delusions, they do, just not the right type. I know my friends love me, and that C loves me, but today when I thought "I should get out of the house" there was no one to call to go for coffee or do something else to distract me. but maybe that's not a problem. maybe I just get lonely too easy.

confedential to Agent Coeur: miss you.

wooo-hooo!! Week end time baby, and the sky is blue and the sun is shining and the geography course I'm taking ios turning out to be really damned cool. Today we were talking about the economic situation of former colonies (read: third world or developing if you prefer the PC aproach) and how they were basically screwed so a bunch of them created these nasty things called export processing zones. These are those nasty place full of sweatshops where they manufacture nikes and gap clothing and most of the other things you can buy in an average mall, and these counrties created them because they were hoping that the multinational corporations who moved in and started factories there to take advantage of the government-guarenteed uber cheap labour would bring with them training and technology that would be passed down to workers and thus allow the countries to build nice, stable, industrial economies. Boy were they wrong. These corporations, being the assholes they are, decided that instead of doing anything that might actually help the countries/people they were exploiting, they would continue to base all of the capital/technology and education intensive portions of production in the aleady fat andf rich countries and only let the folks in the poor countries do the labour internsive drudge work (sewing, assebly, and other similarly fun things) so that there would be no risk of those people actually a) making some money to develop a local market, b) having access to industrial technology that they needed for their country's advancement and c) actaully learning any valuable workskills (other than how to sit quietly chained to a sewing machine). Dirty fuckers, eh? And the only two poor, former-colony countries who actually successfully industrialized and achived a tolerable standard of living were Korea (South, natch) and Japan, who both had really stong government protection of local business which made it nastily difficult for the evil multi-nat's to move in. So really, it all started out with poor countries aproaching corporations (mainly US) and saying "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" to which the corporations happily agreed, and then turned around and fucked everybody over, workers and countries alike. So let's renew our determination not to support companies that use these practices, okay? If you agree to that, I'll agree to keep my political rants to a minimum. No really, I will. Have a nice weekend. Just don't shop.

euughh. Almost six o'clock and I still have an hour until my fricking last class starts. Wednesdays are going to be just plain evil from here on in, what with my shiny new 12 hour school day. Really, I'm quite psyched about it. Oh wait, no I'm not. I just want to go home! Oh well, only four hours to go... do I sound enthused?

I don't knowwhat it is about being up here that makes me feel like such a loser. I avoid mirrors because every one I look in shows me a face I do not want to own, and everyone I see seems a hundred times happier and cooler than me. I fully acknowledge that there is no rational reason for me to feel this way -- I know lots of people up here and even have some pretty darn cool friends -- but I just get more depressed the more time I spend up here. Nothing psyches me up for class like feeling like a dumb ugly nerd.

and of course my natural, instinctive "solution" is much worse than the problem itself. I end up feeling all shy thus not talking or relaxing and enjoying myself, thus feeling like an even more dull person. And all these fucking kids, I mea alright, a lot of them are supposed to be smart, so why do they think they can impress people with stories of how much e they did for New Year's or how much trouble they got into doing coke in Hong Kong. I mean I don't personally care how you chose to spend you time/destroy your brain/liver, but do I really have to hear about it over and over and over?? Does having stories like that really make you feel like a more interesting person? Because it makes you look like a jackass. But that's just in my dull, nerdy opinion of course.

Oh, and another thing: then next time I hear some little bitch (or guy, okay, I won't be too sexist) bitching about how expensive books are or how broke they are, while checking the time on their web-enabled cell-phone that they keep in the pocket of their $200 jeans that they look down on you for not being cool enough to sport, I'm gunna shoot the moghtfucker, I swear. Honest to god, I really am here to learn. I don't want to hear about you latest shopping spree, because if anyone's going to feel insuffiecient here at this INSTITUTION OF LEARNING, it should be because of their brain, not their brand of jeans. Yet see, I'm a hypocrite, becaus I'm the one who walks around looking at her shoes and trying to become invisible.

And all this fun stuff is really just indicative of the fact that I am still suffering from some kind of sudden and severe plummet of self-confidence that occured sometime last spring. I swear I used to be happy and think I was smart and cool, and not care at all how other people saw me. I really want to not care. And truthfully, other people probably don't care what I look like or what drugs I do, and are likely not constantly judging me. So why do I feel like they are then? Deductive logic says that this must all be in my head. SO what's wrong with my head then? I can't pinpoint an individual, or even series of events that triggered this or anything, I don't know exactly when it started, just that I want it to end. I want to be happy with myself again. It's just that it's harder to do than it sounds. Sigh.

I realized earlier today that January 6th, that cursed day when classes start again is no longer some theoretical day in the future but rather to-fucking-morrow. shit beans. I'm not ready to go back yet. I'm still having fun spending long lazy days in the arms of love. I am so lucky. I don't know why I got this lucky, while Agent Coeur suffers through the commitment crisis of yet another loser. But I did.

C and I ran into a guy we knew in highschool today. I was at the bank machine and (we'll call him) Guy walked up and started talking to C. C passed on this snipet of their conversation to me.
Guy: so, you eve still talk to Sasha?
C: (points to me)
Guy: oh, new Sasha?
C: no, same old Sasha
Guy: oh. OH!

See and I am very lucky to get to be same old Sasha because that means C gets to be same old C and we get to be same old us and we get to be happy and comfortable and spend eons in one another's arms, and that's all I really want. I'm still having so much fun, I feel like we're still in the frickin' honey-moon phase. Only C knows me better than that. I am a spoiled, pampered girl, and thus blessed.

I only wish all my friend were this happy...

mmm happy day. I'm in Victoria at Agent Coeur's right now, and the sun is shining in through the windows and it is a good day. I'm heading home in a few hours, but I had a way better time here in Victoria than I thought I would. I ma\ean I knew it would be fun but it has also been really relaxing. I really Like Agent Coeur's new roomate, and Agent Karma-boy has a cool new place too, and came and spent New Year's with us. New Year's was very entertaining and very high on the silly scale. We drank pretty things with bubbles and burly things that warm you up, and on the whole were totally insane.

Last night we went out for fantastic sushi. Coeur and I had this awsome salmon sashimi, and I swear I have never had such fresh, melt in your mouth salmon before. We also went and saw Chicago, which was really fun with tons of spectacular dance numbers. I'm glad I got to see it with Coeur, because C certainly wouldn't have liked it as much as we did. Coeur has awsome friends out here.

But I do have to admit, honestly, that I am looking forward to getting home. I only spent one night at home between my Grandma's place in Alberta and here, so it will be nice to get home and unwind a bit before Monday when I have top go back to school. Also, I can't wait to see C. Because I'm like that.