where's your head at?
caution: venting, contents under pressure

There, that should be a sufficient number of disclaimers.

I am going through seperation anxiety, trying to write three papers, feeling estranged from pretty much everyone, worried about work and can't even face the prospect of... well, I don't know, sanity maybe?

C has gone home after being at my place for almost a week, and every time he leaves it seems stupider and I feel lonlier and wonder why we put ourselves through this.

I am writing two papers right now that are due next week and then another one directly after that. So far I have only just started researching the first one, but they all seem dull and trivial, like just another hurdle to jump before I get any level of personal autonomy, and suffice to say they are making me miserable, and certainly contributing to bitch #3...

I love you all. I know you don't believe me, but I do. Sh, I am sorry I haven't called. I want to and will, but what's the point until I have time to hang out? Nat, I haven't sent you b-day present yet. I haven't even gotten it all yet, and I feel very guilty about this and swear it is smack at the very top of my priority list as soon as I get this paper situation under control. Mom, I'm sorry I didn't make it for dinner last night. I'm sorry I might not make it next week. It's not because I don't care. K, M, K, S, and all else, I can't make time commitments, I'm sorry (phrase 'o the week!) I know you are all trying to make Halloween plans, and pleas ego ahead, but count me out. It things go absurdly well between now and then, I may have time to pop by, but for now, I can promise nothing. J, take a number. Maybe the week after next? Uhg. Sorry... And Coeur, I'm sorry I didn't have time to call back last night. I was at the library and then burried under books. Plus I knew you wouldn't like what I had to say...

I'm not working this week. Given my time dilema, this is a good thing, so long as it is merely because they overshifted this week, and not for any more sinster reasons... I've been there for over six months now, so they would have to have grounds to fire me, right?

And yeah. I was reading my sister's blog today, and realized that I'm avoiding my family, and whn I do see them, it's all about keeping the peace. I'm not even sure we really know eachother anymore, and that's really depressing. Not like I have time to fix it though. sigh.

That's where I'm at. I guess I'd better get back to work, since I'm nin class again in just over two hours and between now and then have to do a french composition, edit a script and find journal articles for my gender gap paper. Good thing I've found a way to survive without food... oh wait, no, I haven't, I just wish I had. Maybe even without food or sleep, then maybe I'd have time to...

some semblance of coherency

and the marks, they are a rollin' in, and somehow it seems that I am actually doing well this term, despite the utter gong show that it has felt like to me. Now if I could only convince myself I make sense even half as convincingly as I have to my professors...

Tonight I'm going to see Thompson Highway at the Writer's Fest. (y'know, of Rez Sisters and the like) so hopefully I'll laugh until I forget I'm supposed to be a basket case. Ta-da!

blink blink

I'm still sleeping. This is good. The only problem is that I am so very far from my bed and French homework makes a lousy pillow. sigh. Maybe instead of doing homework on my break I should find a cozy bus to nap on.

Had K and M over for awhile last night and watched my 2nd ever episode of Six Feet Under, which very conviniently (shut up, of course I can't spell, I'm sleeping silly!) was the episode right after the first one that I saw at random, so I even knew what was going on. Somewhat. It's not the Sopranos, but I guess maybe it'll hold me over until season 5 finally comes out.

my new hobby

sleeping on the B-line. bring a scarf so you can use it as a pillow, fight your way to a window seat, and you're all set for a blissful half-hour sleep to school. Even better, my new bus-sleeping policy means that I can actually sleep between a half hour and an hour less every night and make it up during my daily commute. plus this way you have to spend less time conscious of the smell of your fellow passengers who all act like they don't know that wet gortex, if not properly cared for (read washed) smells like wet dog.

stuffed and old

well, I'm back on track after a long weekend that was chaotic enough to require me to skip school yesterday to recover (or at least that's what I'm claiming because it had nothing to do with the fact that it was beautiful out and I wanted to go for a walf and spend more time in bed). So school again it is, and I'm finally starting to stress abou t term papers, but had a wonderful thanksgiving/birthday weekend with my family.

But I have to note that thanksgiving with my family does not look like thanksgiving with other people's families. For me this year, it went something like this: get up early enough to lie around for a bit then start baking bread. make pie crusts. have shower. jump out of shower to rescue bread. rush of to mom's with cam in a vain attempt to be there by 3:00 as per her request. arrive at mom's with cam and kat around 3:30. mom's not there. not surprised. hang out. wait for mom. impatiently call ness to find out when her and mom will arrive. sit around. mom arrives, chaos ensues. cooking frenzy. final store-run for missing ingredients (and direly needed caffine) just after 7:00. chloe and nat arrive around 8:00 (but they came for dessert...). 9:00 starts to loom and chloe and nat go for a walk to see a friend while we eat. by 9:30 or so we have finally dined (salmon though, no turkey this year) and c&n come back to PIE-A-THON!! Four pies, two pumpkin, one strawberry-rhubarb, one chocolate mud, all made by ness. mmmmmmmmmmpie. and presents.

I got such wonderful gifts this year! a breif summary included some $$ towards my santana tickets from cam's family, an amazing collage from his sister, beautiful sun-opal and blue topaz earings from chloe, the cutest hoodie ever and a very cool graphic novel from nat, swanky bath products and face cream and aromatherapy oils from mom and her bf (ajay) (and we're also going to the writers fest as usual), a huge lovely pot of ivy and the best smelling insence ever from ness and her bf (steve), ibraxis from kat, $$ from my grandma to "buy myself something special", and a 100% silk 100% swank blue bathrobe from chen. my god my family has good taste!

but now it is school work time. hell, the way I see it, the sonner I get this doen, the sooner I can return to the half a mud pie and half a pumpkin pie sittingin my freezer and fridge. mmmmmmmpie.

shakey or quivering

i fell all fucked up and temporary today. what am i doing? or, more importantly, why am i doing it? i know where i want to be, it's just taking an awful long time to get there. there's really only one or two things (people) who make me happy these days. everything else seems somehow insubstantial or ethereal. or am i just bullshitting myself?

face it, if you know me, you know i'm prone to moping, and sometimes i even revel in it. it's cozy.

completely unrelated

Remember back in 99 when we uncovered four boatloads of Fujians attempiting to be smuggled into Canada? And how virtually all of them were denied refugee status? Well, it turns out that we did so in gross violation of international law.

See, the UNHCR (that's high comission on refugees) regulations for assesment of refugee claims states that each claim must be examined case-by-case and objectively to determine the validity of that claim according to the official definition of a refugee. But, (yeah, you knew there'd be a but) these boats arrived in BC at a time when Canada was engaged in intense diplomatic courting of China, due in no small measure to their impending entrance to the WTO (and heading down the road to being the world's biggest economy) and so it was important for Canada not to embarass China on the basis of human rights abuses by drawing attention to them, despite the fact that it is the cause of most successful refugee claims among Chinese in Canada. In other words, instead of complying with inernational law, we turned away 573 people claiming refugee status not because they didn't meet the requirements, but for political (and economic) reasons alone.

So see, we're not the high and mighty internationalists we like to claim to be.

In completely unrelated news,

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

deja vu, all over again

oh, i remember this. that spongey feeling, perpetually soggy feet, this is what fall/winter/spring in vancouver feels like. if i were a duck, i'm sure i'd enjoy it, but as it is, i understand why certain alberta-residing members of my family refer to us west-coasters as mouldy.

i'm doing my nerd thing these days over at everything2.com, where i node as tricia mcmillan (bonus points if you know where that name is from). have any of you checked it out? it's snotty, elitist, and highly addictive. just my cup of tea.

aren't I good, spending all my time doing school work... oh, wait, I meant, doing on-line quizzes instead of school work...



and one last note, rarely suffer from indecision my ass!!

she's a black magic woman and she's trying to make a devil out of me

I just bought tickets to go and see Santana on November 14th. I feel like I'm preparing to dine with a deity. For the record, he is likely the greatest guitar god still alive, and even despite his forays into matthew good/bad/dave/ugly/whateverthefuck territory in the late 90s, he remains very worship worthy. Needless to say, I'm psyched.

mood:dance-y music:classic spanish rock guitar odour:rockstar future plans:sex, drugs, rock'n'roll

because you can't stop the chaos

whew. things never fail to be interesting, but it is useful to remember a few things (especially if you're me):

- chances are, you can't drink as much tequilla as someone twice your size. doubly that if they grew up partly in South America.
- in an in-class essay, your professor is happy merely to encounter some degree of coherent thought. you are not applying for a nobel prize in lit.
- moms need support too, especially when they get thinking they're to old to do anything new (trust me, I'm sending mine off the contenent for her first time)
- you don't recieve a credit card unless you are urgently going to need it in the very near future due to some completely unforseeable circumstance (see above)
- bored? sleep. you won't always have that luxury, and when it's gone, you will miss it bitterly

mood: spinny music: daft punk odor: london cool