euughh. Almost six o'clock and I still have an hour until my fricking last class starts. Wednesdays are going to be just plain evil from here on in, what with my shiny new 12 hour school day. Really, I'm quite psyched about it. Oh wait, no I'm not. I just want to go home! Oh well, only four hours to go... do I sound enthused?

I don't knowwhat it is about being up here that makes me feel like such a loser. I avoid mirrors because every one I look in shows me a face I do not want to own, and everyone I see seems a hundred times happier and cooler than me. I fully acknowledge that there is no rational reason for me to feel this way -- I know lots of people up here and even have some pretty darn cool friends -- but I just get more depressed the more time I spend up here. Nothing psyches me up for class like feeling like a dumb ugly nerd.

and of course my natural, instinctive "solution" is much worse than the problem itself. I end up feeling all shy thus not talking or relaxing and enjoying myself, thus feeling like an even more dull person. And all these fucking kids, I mea alright, a lot of them are supposed to be smart, so why do they think they can impress people with stories of how much e they did for New Year's or how much trouble they got into doing coke in Hong Kong. I mean I don't personally care how you chose to spend you time/destroy your brain/liver, but do I really have to hear about it over and over and over?? Does having stories like that really make you feel like a more interesting person? Because it makes you look like a jackass. But that's just in my dull, nerdy opinion of course.

Oh, and another thing: then next time I hear some little bitch (or guy, okay, I won't be too sexist) bitching about how expensive books are or how broke they are, while checking the time on their web-enabled cell-phone that they keep in the pocket of their $200 jeans that they look down on you for not being cool enough to sport, I'm gunna shoot the moghtfucker, I swear. Honest to god, I really am here to learn. I don't want to hear about you latest shopping spree, because if anyone's going to feel insuffiecient here at this INSTITUTION OF LEARNING, it should be because of their brain, not their brand of jeans. Yet see, I'm a hypocrite, becaus I'm the one who walks around looking at her shoes and trying to become invisible.

And all this fun stuff is really just indicative of the fact that I am still suffering from some kind of sudden and severe plummet of self-confidence that occured sometime last spring. I swear I used to be happy and think I was smart and cool, and not care at all how other people saw me. I really want to not care. And truthfully, other people probably don't care what I look like or what drugs I do, and are likely not constantly judging me. So why do I feel like they are then? Deductive logic says that this must all be in my head. SO what's wrong with my head then? I can't pinpoint an individual, or even series of events that triggered this or anything, I don't know exactly when it started, just that I want it to end. I want to be happy with myself again. It's just that it's harder to do than it sounds. Sigh.