arg.
Where sunless rivers weep
Their waves into the deep
She sleeps a charmed sleep,
Awake her not.

Led by a single star
She came from very far
To where shaodws are,
Her pleasant lot.

She left the rosy morn
She left the fields of corn
For twilight cold and lorn
And water springs.

Through sleep as through a veil
She sees the sky look pale
And hears the nightengale
That sadly sings.

Do not go gently into that good night,
Rage, oh rage against the dying of the light.

I am just one big ball of what the fuck. I am moody, sullen, broody, angry, cheerful and judgemental. I am a post-modern excersize in frustration. I am an impotent storm cloud. I am Christina Rossetti meets Dylan Thomas. I am the original hollow man. I am deeply unsatisfied and dishonestly self-centred. I do not want to have to deal with anything more. I want out. I am a cry for help.

I almost hit my mom this morning. My littlest sister cut her hand quite badly last night, and my mom has been being a dipshit about it all day, fucking around in the shower and doing chores around the house instead of taking her to the clinic to get the fucking thing sewn up. I had to lose it and beg her to take the poor kid to the clinic. Mom tried to pretend that she was doing it because my sister was so terrifed that she wouldn't let the doctor look at it. I was like, okay mom, you're going to let a 10 year old decide whether or not she needs medical attention?? WHAT THE FUCK????

And then it just got better. Mom's ability to not have her shit together is completely amazing. We get to the clinic and they say that my sister's msp number "is no longer valid" and thus they can't see her. WTF mom?? did you submit a change of address to them? Do you even know what fricking address they have her at? Here, the last place, or any of the other handful before that? Do you even make an attempt to keep on top of any of this?? How, someone please tell me, did she make it to 44 being less responsible than I am? God save us all.

And I truly wish it ended there, but does it? Oh no. This is my life, it has to be more fun than that, right? After all, everything's still almost sane up to this point. So they have now left to take my other little sister to her soccer game (because god forbid we put a 15 year old on the bus - oh wait, you fucking hypocrit!!!) and then to go to a clinic where they have all the youngest's info on file, because in theory they won't bother checking to see is her msp # is valid because they won't have to register her as a new patient or anything. Here's the kicker: my mom's birthday tea party to which she has invited all her friends and a bunch of coworkers, is only several hours away. In fact, it is set to start a mere hour after the soccer game ends, and given that mom has to drive here from the soccer game all the way across town, and stop to pick up my big sister and go to soccer sister's dad's house, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that she'll be here anything that resembles on time, let alone in time to get anything ready.

Which leaves me. Here I am, last person left in the house. Only person here before the party. Dishes need doing, bathroom needs cleaning, living room is a disaster, and all the food has to be made and put out and all that crap. And I have to read about 150 pages of Plato's Republic, several other poli sci chapters, do french homework and english reading. I am thrilled. I am so pissed off I actually want to break things. I want to cry and throw a tantrum. This is not fair. I do not have time to do all of this. And mom didn't even ask me to, no, she just left. But it all still has to be done, and all of the sudden I am the only one here.

I did mention this to her earlier. SHe said I should mind my own business. I said that I'd happily mind my own business once I stopped having to deal with her business (exacly who loaned you the money to pay rent on time bitch?? on top of everything else). And she said well, you live under my roof. I want out of here so fucking badly. I want to stop being miserable and crying all the time, and watching her fuck up my baby sister and stress the crap out of all of us. I feel like such an idot splashing tears across my keyboard. I've had enough. I want out.