this teaching madness is really my first attempt at doing any sort of career thing (you know, something beyond just-a-job customer service bs) and so maybe that's why it's like walking on quicksand. it's just hard to have faith sometimes. everything is going so well that i'm at least partially terrified - it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. in the past four months i've gone from being the lowliest of eoc's (employee on call) to, somehow, the go to girl of the year. i seem to be first in line to step up whenever chaos strikes - aka constantly. maybe it's just because i'm willing to try, but then again, maybe it's actually all these long years of hard work actually paying off.

but that's the problem, really.

i've been working at this for so long that i can't quite wrap my head around it working out. i still don't have that faith in myself that i had been hoping would just blossom someday. any time i get away from work and get a bit of perspective, i still find myself going really? me? you want me to do that? and i know it's crazy good fortune, and crazy hard work, but i'm just still outrunning so much self-doubt.

house of cards...

...just hope there's no breeze?

no promises for what tomorrow might bring, but for now, i'm just trying to hit the ground running. tomorrow i face down another first: the structured class. i've done the room full of teenagers a bizzilion times, but somehow a room full of adults is exponentially more daunting.

wish me luck?