12.29.2005,20:24
this week in judgment
Sasha's ongoing judgment of the world present "Two Lists." I think they speak for themselves.

10 Things You Should Never Do:
  1. Say something negative about a gift you have just received.
    No matter how tacky, inappropriate, allergy-inducing, whatever, you should never insult a gift in front of it's giver. Re-gift, trade, do what you must, but someone just did something nice for you. Be nice back.
  2. Be rude to a waiter or other customer service employee.
    Your being served depends on them. How long do you want to wait for your meal? What is your desired saliva to food ratio? It pays to be polite!
  3. Swear in front of children. Especially someone else's.
    While many of us don't notice when we're in the company of little people (hint: it could be any time you're in public), try to remember that we're trying to raise them to be polite and respectful too, and they don't have your capacity for judgment. Even if you find a situation god-damned-mother-f**kingly frustrating, a youngster within ear shot may have trouble ascertaining when such commentary is and isn't appropriate. Be a role model.
  4. Bitch about something you're completely unwilling to help fix or change. Seriously folks, if I hear one more latte-sucking label whore bitch about having to step over homeless people on the street, I'm going on a shooting spree. Nuff said. (See, I'm not in the company of children. I can curse when it's warranted).
  5. Take up more than one seat in a crowded space.
    This includes buses, food courts, airports -- pretty much any public space with seats. But especially buses. Keep to one seat, even if it means your backpack has to go on the ground and might get dirty. People deserve better treatment than luggage.
  6. Say something behind a person's back that you wouldn't say to their face.
    In the end, one way or another, you'll end up explaining it in front of their face, whether it's lying or rationalizing. I'm not saying we all have to be the niceness brigade, but when you're nasty, expect word to get around. It can even be fun.
  7. Wear your shoes into someone else's home without asking.
    Muddy footprints on your floor that you have to clean up, a-okay. On someone else's? Bloody rude.
  8. Use you cell phone to call someone just because you're bored and hoping they'll entertain you (most notable on buses, in line-ups, etc.)
    This is simply cell phone abuse. Your phone should be taken away. Your loved ones are not here to be at your beck and call to entertain you while you suffer through a b-line ride.
  9. Insult someone's apparel to their face.
    I don't care how much you hate my sweater, telling me so is rude. A bit of a conundrum combined with #6, but I'm sure you're smart enough to sort it out.
  10. Make more than one cell phone call per hour (MAXIMUM!!) while socializing with others.
    I don't care if you're hanging out with friends, or a friend, or a special friend, or your family, or bloody whoever, this is inexcusably rude. Right up there with brushing your teeth or eating while on the phone with someone, which would have been number 11, were there a number 11.
Can you guess??
10 Things You Should Always Do:
  1. Offer your seat (on the bus or other situations as discussed above) to any elderly, injured, pregnant, or disabled person, or any small child.
    This again is just basic manners, which a surprising number of my fellow city-inhabitants seem to lack. You have an easier time standing than these people, so git off yer lazy butt.
  2. Smile back.
    When someone smiles at you, it feels lovely. Return the favour and I'll count you as doing your bit to improve the world.
  3. Bathe before a doctor's appointment.
    I refuse to explain this. If you don't get it, you have much bigger issues and should not be wasting your time reading the blog of some random judgy girl.
  4. Thank people who do nice things for you.
    This counts not only for people who go out of their way to help you, but also for everyone whose regular activities enrich your life. Those who prepare or sell you food, transport you, protect you, pump your gas, and generally help satisfy your demands. For a few self-interest based reasons for doing so, see #2 in the first list.
  5. Carpe diem. Seize the day.
    I don't mean we should all run around living completely impulsively, but take a walk in the rain, smell the flowers, go on an impromptu adventure, call in sick, paint a picture, and etc. when the mood strikes. It's the only proven way to prevent turning into a miserable bastard.
  6. Eat tasty food.
    Are you staring at a gorgeous, melty piece of brie? The last piece of chocolate? Ripe tomatoes? I could go on forever. This stuff was meant to be consumed, and taste is one of the greatest human senses for mood elevation. Stop calorie counting, obsessing, being preoccupied, whatever, and eat the damned thing. Repeat frequently.
  7. Have a houseplant.
    There is some kind of plant out there for everyone, no matter how many cacti you've killed, or how dank your dungeon, something will grow there, and it's presence will inexplicably cheer you up.
  8. Stop and see if those lost-looking people need directions.
    If you ever plan to travel, you will need all the direction-giving good karma you can get. Plus, when you go somewhere you don't know your way around, you'll understand how much this tens seconds of your day was appreciated.
  9. Say "excuse me" if you want to get by someone.
    Again, this is one I'd like to think is basic manners, but it just plainly isn't. I can offer two good reasons for doing this: shoving past someone instead of asking them to move is extremely rude, and I'm going to snap and break the jaw of the next person who does it to me, and it might just be you trying to get passed me. Self-preservation.
  10. Write preachy blog lists that imply you think you're perfect, when in fact you're the most flawed person you know.
    Then people might actually assume you have your act together, or if not, at least you'll get to spend a few minutes feeling self righteous, which is priceless, in the pre-mastercard-ad sense of the term.
 
posted by sasha
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