well, I said to myself, it has been a while and you're probably running out of excuses. Time to post something. I hope everyone enjoyed celebrating some form of secular/religious/whatever winter holiday. This time of year, I think, really takes some good celebrating to survive - otherwise we'd all turn into rainclouds, puddles, and shadows. It's a bit grim out there, but at least the sun is setting later, which implies that tantalizing promise that it may in fact be summer again sometime. Not that I'm gullible enough to believe it, but somewhere in the back of my mind, some shred of optimism has me imagining picnics and sundresses. I clearly need to start spending winters in Mexico.

The self-doubt section. SO classes start again next bloody week already, and my long practicum starts at the end of January (the 30th I think). School is fine, and it's not that I actually think I'm having doubts about becoming a teacher, per se, it's just that that 13 weeks of practicum is going to be rough. Many teachers basically use the practicum as an excuse to take out how hard being a new teacher was on them on their student teacher, so instead of bunches of support, you get "figure it out for yourself" and "no-one helped me, so..." which is all a bunch of bullshit. And it's not that I particularly need anyone's help. I'm actually doing quite well at this whole thing so far. It's more like that negativity permeates everything. Everyone is always pointing fingers. The teachers are negative about the teacher ed programs, but none of them bother with suggestions on how to fix it, profs at UBC are negative about the kind of teaching that virtually all teachers end up "resorting to," and I guess the teachers feel a bit unfairly blamed, since it's a bloodly miracle they manage to accomplish anything given the scarcity of resources and support, and what they're trying to work with. About half of all teachers burn out in 5 years. If you ask me, that's completely about the lack of support - for teachers in general, but especially for beginning teachers.

I'm determined that that will not be me, but that means that I have to actually be thinking in terms of survival strategies. The most frustrating thing about the practicum isn't even the lack of support. It's the constant judgment. I'd be fine doing my own thing, and I think I could do a lot. There are some great kids at my school. But both my sponsor teachers are going to expect me to emulate them. Teach their style with their type of resources. When I'm asking for help, that's usually what it is. Not actually that I can't do it, but that I need to know how to shape what I need/want to do into something my sponsor teacher will actually approve of. I'm increasingly thinking that I'll need some space and time to recover next year, as I can't imagine I'll even still be standing by the end of this year. I'm contemplating various alternative/adult ed options as being a saner alternative to trying to enter the traditional teenage puppymill full-time off the bat. Evenings and weekends at an adult ed centre sounds damned fine to me.

See? That's why I don't usually post this kind of stuff. Because who wants to read those last few paragraphs? It's like whooppee! I'm insecure. Well aren't we all, and don't we all have enough to do coping with our own insecurities? But there you go. And this is just where my mind has ended up as the holidays draw to a close and I start contemplating next term. The holidays themselves were fantastic. I spent a lot of really beautiful time with my family and those I love. What more could I ask for? Plus, I did a bit of boxing day sale shopping yesterday, and got some really sweet potential teacher gear. If nothing else, those lousy young 'uns will respect me for being well dressed, because unlike history or grammar, that's something they actually care about.

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