well I don't know. Being back in the city has made me cagey; defensive of my time and space, both of which seem in short supply. I just don't feel like I have much to give, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about falling short of what those around me would like and expect. My mom and I had this conversation the other day, about not feeling like a good friend, and it's true, I think, I'm often not. But I also don't know how. It's not that I don't love my friends, because I do, but I have this sense that they often come to resent me for not having enough time, which is something I'm always short of. Being in a full-time live in relationship takes a lot of time, and it's not even that Cam and I spend that much time together, it's more just about co-occupying a life together, planning meals, shopping, and running a household generally. It's not that we always have plans as per se, but more like if we don't have other plans then we expect to be together for dinner etc.

There are also always household things that need doing, and those tend to fall to me since Cam is usually at work, and when you tie all that in with work and school (even if that is only two nights a week), I feel like I barely even occupy my own life sometimes. And work from home pretty much equals always feel like you're behind, because you can make it take a backseat to almost anything. And I'm not willing to pick and choose, see some of my friends and not others, so it all becomes a juggling act. So maybe I'll never be a good friend, never be available even every week to hang out, let alone more often as I know some of my friends would like. Hell, I don't even always manage to see my family every week, and if you know me you know how quickly I'd cease to exist without them. I'm not going for guilt or sympathy, but I've been thinking about this kind of stuff for awhile and I guess it's my own guilt I have to come to terms with.

Something slightly more positive to end with? I found a new yoga studio I really like (okay, my mom found it) and I think it will be really good for me. Time for reality again.