2.28.2007,11:17
i eat books

Maybe it's something as completely straight forward as how I was raised, but I demolish books like practically no one else I know. I have way more book than I can justify owning lining the walls of my living room and bedroom, most of which I've read twice (and some of which, in my youth, I read a dozen or so times). When I meet new literary types, I have to admit that potentially gaining access to their library isn't the furthest thing from my mind. After KO moved in, pretty much the first thing I did was read every book she owns, a habit I've probably had ever since devouring my mom's collection growing up.

My point: I pretty much always have a book in hand. A good book = contentment. And do you know what I have to read right now? NOTHING!

A journey of a thousand pages begins with one good story. Any suggestions?

(p.s. - Cam has performed yet another tech miracle and gotten me back online, so expect e-mail responses and the like to resume)
 
posted by sasha
Permalink ¤ 5 comments
2.14.2007,21:48
stress and insecurity
this teaching madness is really my first attempt at doing any sort of career thing (you know, something beyond just-a-job customer service bs) and so maybe that's why it's like walking on quicksand. it's just hard to have faith sometimes. everything is going so well that i'm at least partially terrified - it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. in the past four months i've gone from being the lowliest of eoc's (employee on call) to, somehow, the go to girl of the year. i seem to be first in line to step up whenever chaos strikes - aka constantly. maybe it's just because i'm willing to try, but then again, maybe it's actually all these long years of hard work actually paying off.

but that's the problem, really.

i've been working at this for so long that i can't quite wrap my head around it working out. i still don't have that faith in myself that i had been hoping would just blossom someday. any time i get away from work and get a bit of perspective, i still find myself going really? me? you want me to do that? and i know it's crazy good fortune, and crazy hard work, but i'm just still outrunning so much self-doubt.

house of cards...

...just hope there's no breeze?

no promises for what tomorrow might bring, but for now, i'm just trying to hit the ground running. tomorrow i face down another first: the structured class. i've done the room full of teenagers a bizzilion times, but somehow a room full of adults is exponentially more daunting.

wish me luck?
 
posted by sasha
Permalink ¤ 2 comments
2.08.2007,10:14
i'm always leaving
One foot out the door while I plan how to gently break the good bye. Before the door swings shut I'm already onto the next place, day, door. I spend more time on the bus than with the people I love. More importantly, I'm never anywhere for long. My best acquaintance is the door. The door: each one hides another system and another pending good bye. Don't look back - click - it's closed. Then on to the next. I can't even tell if the doors are opening or closing any more. Metaphorically speaking, that is. I haven't actually been walking into doors. Just through them. Perhaps one day I'll swing like that - get hinged. Click - good bye.
 
posted by sasha
Permalink ¤ 0 comments
2.06.2007,09:16
repeat as necessary
Panic as a way to start the day.
I wake up. THUMP. With my first breath, my heart jumps. From there it's all what day is it?what am I doing today?am I up in time?where do I have to get to?am I forgetting something? and there's always some new thing to be nervous about so it's like my natural relaxation cycle has broken down.

Always some next new thing
and always something changing. My schedule changes so often I can never remember until I look where I'll be and what I'll be doing. Guaranteed the moment someone asks me what my schedule is, it's already changing even if I don't know it yet.

Constant inconsistency.

New desk. New school. New role. New whole set of madness to wrap myself around. Just call me guinea pig - reee reeeee. sigh.

I'm off now, because nothing can wait.

..eight days a week...
 
posted by sasha
Permalink ¤ 0 comments
2.02.2007,10:56
the blur of an object in motion

Days and night blow by me like trees through the window while you speed down the highway. Is there a forest through there somewhere? Some say it's February already, but I'm increasingly convinced that time must actually be an illusion. How else to explain this feeling of being lost in space? I suppose it's spacetime.

My moments to myself are bus rides. I'm reading Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything which, while being thoroughly flawed, is nonetheless fascinating. It's nice to get in touch with one's primordial ooze before being swept up in the business of another day. I'm working like mad, subbing for enough different people that I'm never quite sure where I am, then - switch - I'm myself again. A work related multiple personality disorder. Still working towards quitting the weekend gig, but it hasn't happened yet because it's just to tenuous since I don't know how soon the extra hours will dry up at school.

Madness.

But... the new computer is finally happy again - it died the day we started relying on it, but through nothing short of a kung-fu miracle was resurrected. And here's a new template. What can I say but it's an improvement.

Now I'd better get ready to head off to work and be somebody else again.
 
posted by sasha
Permalink ¤ 4 comments