12.31.2002,09:41
Good gods! Not even ten o'clock yet and I'm already awake!! This is unusual. Why, you might ask, am I awake and coherent at such an early hour today? One word Victoriatrip (shut up, it's one word now!). I'm packing my bags as we speak. I'm also mildly sick, and as such have that wierd woozy, slightly dizzy feeling. It should be a fun day. Despite it being New Year's.

New Year's is always depressing. There's so much pressure about what New Year's eve SHOULD be, you know, lamour, excitement, maybe even ball gowns, cocktail dresses at least, champagne, diamonds, etc etc. and it's all a load of bull. It is impossible for New Year's to be anything but anticlimactic just because we make such a big deal out of it. If we could all just chill and be happy to hook up and hang out with friends, everyone would have a better time. But no, instead, it's pressure time. Make sure you're shining bright enough.
 
posted by sasha
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12.28.2002,19:28
I'm back. Backity whackity. Yay! Nice to be in not freezing land. But I am going to C's for the night, so not until tomorrow/monday will I be around to arrange New Years plans. But I will. And if you want to be part of those plans, then you should contact me. Talk to you all soon.

And god is it good to escape my family!!!
 
posted by sasha
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12.23.2002,14:53
Well folks, it's a town leavin' time for me. Merry/Happy Denominational or non late december celebrations/festivities. See/talk to you again on or around the 28th.
Confidential to:
Agent K - make new years plans. I will collect people. nice butt.
C - love you & not pleased about the fact that you'll be in my bed WITHOUT me! wish I was there.xxx
 
posted by sasha
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12.21.2002,23:20
s: If I were god, I wouldn't be all solemn, not with all those angels floating around. I'd be like hey angel, come here and take off your robe, I need to ah... measure your wings.

k: You know what's special? If you can make my butt dimple. Then you know your getting somewhere.

m: you don't respect me as a duck anymore!

See, it was a fun evening, despite my being exhausted. I spent the bulk of today at my sister's house coordinating a cookie making project that she was supposed to organize but couldn't cause she went and got sick. So I baked, mixed, decorated, and coordinated all the friend she'd invited over into the cookie fiasco, despite never having met them before. This all made me more exhausted, but resulted in several zillion short bread.

Only one day left before I head to Alberta for Christmas. Ahh land of the freezing. I'm really looking forward to skating on the lake, but reallya dreading freezing my ass off and not getting a single second of privacy. At least it'll only be for a few days. And my grandma is a fantastic cook. Look out buttertarts, here I come.

I've become a lot more protective of my privacy lately, what with having it drastically reduced. I love that my little sister knocks on my door before coming in even if I've called her to come in for something. This means she is taking my theats about what will happen to people who infringe on my privacy very seriously. I just wish I had more of it. More space, sweet sound-proof space.

But it must be bedtime now, since I'm incoherent. I got phenomenally little sleep last night, and I think it's time for me to go and start making up for it.
 
posted by sasha
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12.19.2002,14:13
Well folks, since I've spent that last few days (joyously) sitting on my lazy ass, it's movie review time. and no, I don't mean Lord of the Rings, since at this rate I won't be able to afford to see it until next month, so thus I have been watching el-cheapo blockbuster rentals.

Oceans 11: The new one Star rating: a few too many
Slick and amusing in a nice and Brad Pitt-y kind of way, with a side of George Clooney and that Damon kid. Purtty. Which is good, because it made the average puddle look deep.

Velvet Goldmine: what the fuck? Star rating: run away!!
Seriously though folks, don't waste your time. A fair amount of nudity (both sexes, though more guys I think, at least in the part BEFORE I fell asleep) but not nearly enough to make up for the plot (that's if there was one) and complete lack of character development. The movie follows some 80s glam-rocker and his wife/lover/etc. and the reporter who tries to track him down a decade later, but since none of them are actually developed characters who the viewer has any concern for, the whole movie seems like a comple waste of time. I mean really, did they really expect me to spend two hours of my life following characters that they have left me no choice but to be completely ambivelant about?? yeeshk.
 
posted by sasha
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12.17.2002,21:35
well well, what have we here? it looks like a girl who is DONE HER EXAMS!! YES< YES IT DOES!!! YAYYY!!!!!! (I'm quite pleased about this. My future plans include sleeping in). Oh, and obviously a big cheers to Agent K for setting up that lovely comment form. Yay! (again). I'm also 99% done my Christmas shopping. Life is good. Now must contact big sister for making of fudge (see, this is getting better all the time).
 
posted by sasha
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12.16.2002,18:38
confidential to Agent K: I love you. Oh, and I'm planning onm getting to see you on the 21st. I've reserved the whole day to hang out with you, so hopefully some time in there will work. Oh, and my mom's having a little evening solstice soiree that you're welcome to attend (then maybe we could go out after?). We'll talk about details.

Anyways, not much to say but blah... one exam to go and I should be studying like mad.
 
posted by sasha
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,13:04
Agent K. here, making magical commentary.. WORK, DAMN YOU. This is the obligatory Blogger post required to activate all template changes. Now move along, people.. nothing to see here.
 
posted by sasha
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,10:43
why is it morning again already? admittedly, I have been awake and studying for about two hours, but I am truly no more awake now than I was at 8:30. groan. me thinks lack of coffee might have something to do with this, and at least that is a problem I can rectify on my way to the bus stop. look out french exam, here I come (je vais aller-la). hahahaha. but really, can't I just go back to sleep? at least all this nonsense ends tomorrow.
 
posted by sasha
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12.15.2002,23:35
and you open the door and step inside... it doesn't get any better than this... you are not your fucking khakis. Have you all heared the remix of that song from fight club? it's fantastic, simultaniously uplifting and depressing, which currently suits me fine.

I'm on my way to bed so I can wake up and write my french final tomorrw (tho' how the fuck I am going to come up with 2 1/2 hours worth of French to write is absolutely beyond me) so I can go and study for Tuesday's big-fat-nasty geography final. yay. no, I mean that. yikes, even I don't know when I'm being sarcastic lately.

And on an unrelated topic, know what I want for Christmas? a comment form. This message is not intended to put pressure on Agent Coeur, who is every bit as busy (hmmm... that originally said busty...) as I am, but rather a cry to the whole universe of more techno-savy people than I, who are all out there, somewhere...
Bonsoir, mes amis et amoures.
 
posted by sasha
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,14:47
languidsexy
What's your brand of sexy?

brought to you by Quizilla
Languid-Sexy.... You rock the messy hair and crisp white cotton sheet. Your idea of bliss is a day spent in bed with your lover. There is nothing wrong with that, though some people like to leave the bed at times. You're a total fox, even if you are a hedonistic bum.
 
posted by sasha
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,10:57
I am a bad person. That's what my groggy beer-misted mind keeps telling me. It keeps telling me that I should have been studying all night and absolutely should not have gone to a party and danced my ass off. I should have a bright, crisp mind to tackle today, to master the twin arts of french and geography, but instead I have this somewhat muddy mind that says "I'd rather be back in bed." It's not that I'm hungover (oh thank you gods!!) just literally that my brain has been wrapped in several layers of thick, sticky gauze. But I will study none-the-less. I will study, and I WILL LEARN DAMMIT! My name is Sasha and I am... still sleepy. sigh.
 
posted by sasha
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12.14.2002,18:38
Okay okay, I have not fallen off the edge of the planet. I've just been busy. Yes, busy, that's right, but of course by busy I really mean not all that busy but preoccupied with doing fun and relaxing stuff. If I'd actually been busy like stuff that absolutely requires doing, exam, school, etc, then I'd have been blogging like mad, since I've learned that it's a fantastic way of procrastinating. Which bring us to know. See now, I actually am supposed to be doing some of that all important stuff that needs doing (aka studying for finals I have to write Monday and Tuesday), which means naturally I have loads I feel like blogging about. Isn't procrastinating fun?

Oy. My brain is full of little fragmented bits that aren't exactly well integrated with one another just yet. The little shard currently holding my attention wants to comment on the fact that it seems as of late that I am turning into a bear, since my idea of fun has come more and more to resemble finding a cozy place to hibernate. It's just like to more I have to deal with - people, life, anything - the more my head hurts and the less capable I feel of dealing with anything. And I already feel pretty damned incapable as of late.

I know I have not been a fun person to deal with - thanks C. for putting up with me, one of many reasons you're so loveable - I just don't quite know why. I feel like I'm walking uphill the whole way, know what I mean, like I just can't possibly accomplish enough to just be fucking happy. What I actually want from life has shrunken dramatically in the past few years, and yet every year the future seems more daunting.

But then again there are bits of me that are normal, coherent and cheerful. They're the bits that say things like "gee girly, you're lucky C. didn't smack you and send you home. Why do you have to push your luck like that? Why can't you just be happy that he loves you now and stop freaking out about what you want him to do with his life? Why can't you just be nice to the boy you love?" and the miserable little voice snaps back "because I'm no good at it." But thankfully the normal, cheerful voice can usually dominate and thus I get to spend lovely, lazy, languorous days lying around in bed with C. without a care in the world. I'm sorry I keep destroying those moments love. I'm sorry everyone. I'm not usually this insecure. Not for the past few years anyways. There are holes in my disguise. I feel alarmingly fragile but simultaneously destructive.

And my interest in French and geography continues to wane.
 
posted by sasha
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12.12.2002,14:25
happy thursday to you, happy thursday to you... today is a much better day than yesterday for several reasons:
1) poli sci exam over
2) nothing I have to study for until next week
3) house to myself -- well, me and C., and that's much better than just me (trust me)
4) finally got to sleep in
5) ummm, something else

So all in all I'm a pretty happy person today, aside from the fact that C. is currently bashing his head against the kitchen wall and rolling his eyes repeatedly. I just never thought I was THAT annoying. but hey, that's just me. my little sister informed me this morning that there's only 12 days left until x-mas. holy shit, 12 days?? yeeshk. at least I don't have to do much this year since we'll all be at my Grandma's, but it seems that the past few months have slipped by at an utterly impossible speed.
 
posted by sasha
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12.10.2002,23:36
blog-ity blog. just had requisite night-before exam long hot shower and thus now feel much less like myself and much more like a puddle of bliss. which is a good thing. plus I smell like vanilla and honey. mmmm... which almost compensates for the dish pan hands I know have after washing every dish in the house. and I don't usually do things like that, but no one had done the dished since Saturday and it was getting gross. and the kitchen is RIGHT in the middle of the house. you could say the choice was made for me

And mmm... after my exam tomorrow C. is coming over, and then Thursday, barring disaster, my whole family will be out at work and or school, which wil mean... privacy. which is a good thing. hopefully will cure me of jumpy impatience and whininess (but I want my exam to be over nnnooooowwww.....).

And speaking of whininess, if someone doesn't come up with a way to cure my cat of hers, I'm going to have to break her thumbs (I know, I know, she doesn't have any, but that is so beyond the point). not to say she's not adorable and that I don't love her, I do. it's just that one can only listen to yowling for so many hours before going completly insane. trust me.

And speaking of C. (okay, so I wasn't, I am now), I can tell already that tonight is one of those nights that I'm going to roll all over the whole bed and it's just going to stay too big and uncomfy all night. and cold. empty beds are not condusive to sleeping well, early maybe, but not well.

And on the topic of annoying things, where the fuck is my CD player remote?? it's been missing for at least a week now, and I have torn my whole room apart looking for is several times to no avail. WHERE IS IT??? Arg. STupid having to get up and go to CD player to control it.

But somehow time keeps passing (I know, without my permission too!! the audacity!!) and it's now approaching the hour upon which girls who have early study groups and exams to write tomorrow ought to be sleeping, so that's where I'll be. all on my lonesome.
 
posted by sasha
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,17:31
guess what I hate today. canadian government. and yes, that is because I've been studying it all day. and you now what I have to say? fuck bicameral legislature. I've spent six hours sudying this shit and my mind has turned to goo. in protest I am refusing to study any more tonight. time for a brain vacation. I think perhaps that I will work on my sweing project. no, seriously.

and you now what I just noticed? it seems I am only capitalizing I today. perhaps my fingers are feeling a little self-centred. but now it's time to go feed the kitty. (whatever that means...)

 
posted by sasha
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,01:16
well screw this. sorry folks, I had just written a lovely, witty, clever, convoluted rant for you all to read, and a few inane statements of life, but my computer is being a bitch, all my witty comments have vanished, and thus you get nothing. have a good night.
 
posted by sasha
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12.09.2002,10:31
another day another exam. english this time. which makes me think. maybe i'll speak in. sentence fragments all. day. it's quelle bizzare, i must. admit because i'm not usually nearly. this resistant to studying usually i just get. it over with so i don't have to stress. about the test but not. this time, oh no not this. time. (practicing random acts of punctuation is fun!:{}?><<) lately i seem to enjoy making. myself suffer and stree before. an exam. miserable.

in other slightly more regularly punctuated news, I did manage to see K. last night, in a nutritious and delicious desert-at-Havana rendez-vous, which was really nice. I also however got shit all for work done, which means I should be studying my ass off right now (as you can see I'm clearly not). But it was really good to see her. It's so easy to let things like that go to long, and we clearly had. I hadn't seen her for months. But somehow we always seem able to pretty much pick up where we left off.

I have to admit I'm a bit sad it didn't work out for her and Karma-boy to live together since I really love them both and was looking forward to going and staying at their place, and hanging out with the two of 'em. But that's life, and hey moving apart to save a friendship like theirs is well worth it. SO long as it works, that is.

Anyways, the pile of literature on my bed that needs reviewing (yes, I too wish that was code for something) is calling my name, so I'd best go attend to it, but first: Technical Question of the Day!! Okay, so as I can see this beat auto-archives for me, so why in the name of zaphod does it also seem to leave everything posted on the front page?? Will that change? or not? or am I just on glue? Bah?
 
posted by sasha
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12.08.2002,13:50
isn't life so much fun?? Yesterday I found out that Agent K-Coeur is coming to town sunday - tuesday instead of on saturday as I had originally heared, which means I probably won't get to see her at all because I'm writing exams monday and wednesday, and if I don't spend a whck of time studying, I'll be screwed. yay. sigh. And I really wanted to see her, it's been eons and I miss her bitterly.

Speaking of bitter, that seems to be the word of the day. I'm bitter, very bitter. I'm tired of being used as a support system for siblings and parents who can't keep their shit or money together. I'm tired of being an assumed solution to any crisis and a bank account/loan centre for my whole family. I wish people would just stop dumping their shit all over me, after all, it's not like I don't have enough shit of my own to try to keep together. But I guess I'm just a doormat, because now my savings account is drained, and my mom just rolls her eyes and says "people in a family support eachother" and "well, I have more financial responsibilities than you do." Well okay, sure, but that means you get to dump them all over me and use my bank account to cover your ass. Seriously, I wish they'd all just grow the fuck up. How much is it healthy to hate one's family? At least they're smart.
 
posted by sasha
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12.07.2002,21:57
eugh. what day is it? where am I? What colour is the sky? My brain is on vacation. I haven't told it yet, but this is it's last day off for awhile, since I have finals Monady and Wednesday next week. shhh... don't tell my brain, you'll depress it.

But it has been a nice brain holiday, spent largely at C.'s house, reclining in bed watching movies and schmoozing with his family, and more reclining, and lethargy-inducing substances. So right now brain is a happy camper, and I figure I'll let it stay that way until tomorrow. yeeshk, tomorrow. I'm so sick of thinking. Bring on the x-mass booze-food fest, complete with thought-free zone!
 
posted by sasha
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12.06.2002,15:31
Hey Jerk-Boy:
You know what I used to like best about you? Your spontenaity. The fact that you could just go with the flow, that you didn't have to plan every second of your life in advance. I liked how easy going you were.

I'm sorry that I only gave you one day's notice that I wanted to see you sometime, but more I'm sorry for you that that wasn't enough and that my "springing this" on you has thrown your life into chaos. I'm sorry that you require several days notice to plan a fucking afternoon to hang out with your girlfriend, that you can't just be laid back anymore. I would think you'd be happy that I'd all of the sudden located a free afternoon for us to hang out, especially given how busy I've been with all these exams. But no, instead it becomes this intense source of stress for you and I end up thinking you're being an asshole because you can't find time in your ohh-sooo busy scheduel (can you SMELL the sarcasm??) to see me.

See, then you have the poor taste to call and fix everything, be all swwet, apologetic and considerate all "let's go to our favorite spot for dinner, lalalalala" and I'm like DAMMIT how am I ever supposed to be able to stay mad at you??
 
posted by sasha
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,11:53
hah!!! you thought you were pretty clever, didn't you little history final. well hah! I have the atisotle-embracing, darwin-disgracing, scince as a social institution kung foo to KICK YOUR ASS. HAH!

Needless to say, I am now finished my history final and the whole affair was a smashing success. I am now going to spend the rest of the day in complete lethargy to compensate for having been force to think intently for two and a half hours at 8:30 an the god damned am! HAH!
 
posted by sasha
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12.05.2002,19:08
yeeshk. yeesky-gibblty-ichten. that's about how my brain feels now. I hate Darwin, and I hate Aritotle, and I hate all their friends - Spencer, Lamark, Aggasiz, et al. I hope Watson folds Crick into sharp corners and shoves him up his unethical DNA structure-discovering ASS!! Screw them all. How am I ever suppoesed to answer stupid questions like "What, in term of humanity, counts as progress? How do we determine what is normal, and thus what we count as defective? Concepts of defectiveness, deformity, and even risk are based on what we as a society value and disvalue. What does this tell us about science?" This is not fair. This is not right. These are evil subjective questions and I deem them wholy unanswerable. Unfortunatley that will not likely pass as an answer on my exam tomorrow. sigh.

All I can say is I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... or any kind of Christmas really, especially a Christmas holed up at my Grandma's where I shan't have to lift a single one of my poor over-worked fingers. I need a vacation, and while outside of Edmonton isn't exactly my ideal sunny locale for a winter get away, it will be a hell of a lot more relaxing than here. But for now I'm going to double check to make damned sure that I know what I'm getting myself into when I say I agree with Lewontin that Bioliogy IS Ideology (actually, it's a great book. I highly recommend it. It redeemed my history prof. for all that other CRAP he made us read. Hasta la Viesta, babes.
 
posted by sasha
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,10:25
Okay, so why is it that unless C. is around to lull me into prolonged slumber with his all powerfull sleep-vibes, I remain totally unable to get a decent bloody night's sleep in our new place??? Instead I end up with a kind of asleep for two hours/awake for two hours pattern which WOULD be fine if I could actually be functional for those hours I was awake (which I am not at all) or if I could alot sixteen hours a night to sleeping (gee, that'd be frickin' nice!) but no. So naturally, I am not a cheerful person this morning. Or at least, I wasn't until I downed an entire steaming cauldron of some strange and over-caffinated brew that the good folks at Blenz call a Nutcracker (yes, that's right, a nutcracker... freaks!) and thus now am completely wired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully this caffine/sugar high will carry me long enough to accomplish my goals of the day:
1. Figure out why the hell Darwin spent so much of his time on the Galapogos Islands flinging lizards into the water (further proof of the fact that truth is clearly stranger than fiction my friends... and poor lizards, I'm not even sure yet if they were an aquatic varitey...)
2.Determine just why, after WWII, genes became the new holy grail of science when ALL they really do is replicate protiens
3. Convince Louis Assasiz that he's a Eugenicist and Herbert Spencer that he's not (otherwise none of this Science/Society crap makes ANY sense!)
4. Figure out how the fuck the ever arogant, frequently flamboyant Dr. Richardson is going to test me on any of this crap.
Sigh. It's gonna be a long frickin' day. Have more fun than I am going to, okay?
 
posted by sasha
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12.04.2002,23:20
And in other news, not bloody much. I assisted with a new high-tech installation at HQ (read: laundered bed clothes...) and sent out highly confidential dispatches to secret agants K-Coeur and Karma-Boy that pending postal disaster should arrive shortly. I also feel twelve again, sitting in the living room typing at the computer and hoping no one comes up behind me and asks me what I'm doing. I really need my own place. sweet privacy, where did you go?
 
posted by sasha
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,23:16
and so it seems yet another day comes to a close and I have still managed to avoid reading any substantial amount of Darwin. On the average day, this would be a good thing, maherusement au jourd'hiu c'est mauvais! yes that's right, it sucks even in french because now I only have one god-fearing day left until the big ugly final (oops...) thus compounding my belief that I am better at procrastinating than virtually anything else (and I only say virtually because C. would argue that I think...)
 
posted by sasha
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,14:36
I think I must be missing something. From what I can get out of this Aristotle "Metaphysics of Explanation" shite so far, humans are the official cause of pianos, the purpose of a duck is to reach duckhood and srtive to be the most ducky duck it can be, and when you pour milk into a cat it becomes more cat, but when you pour cat into milk, it does not become more milk. HUH???? Well, maybe this exam will be more fun than I've anticipated...
 
posted by sasha
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,13:15
okay, so what I really need is some way more tech person than myself to e-mail or otherwise contact me and say "silly girl, here's a list of fonts and colours and related codes for them" so I can begin de-uglying this place. and lunch. I need that too.
 
posted by sasha
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,10:23
how flattering.
 
posted by sasha
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,10:23
You're a BOMBSHELL. You're kitten-like and sexy. You don't need expensive rocks, you're so classy you overpower your gems. You tend to put glamour before comfort, but it doesn't take much for you to look glamourous anyhow. Men beg for a chance with you, and you can take your pick because, frankly, you're too good for almost all of them.
 
posted by sasha
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,10:22
 
posted by sasha
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,10:05
i've added a new link. i think that list will end up being very long. why do i find other people's random thoughts so fascinating?
 
posted by sasha
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,09:45
Allegedly it's a new day now, but I'm not sure I believe that. It feels an awful lot like yesterday to me. Same smell, same grey outside, same stupid history exam closing in on me. Yup, not much is new here. I found out R.'s sweet kitty, Fizban, died the other day. Man, that cat had personality, like beyond the usual fluffheaded-meow-can-I-eat-now type crap. sigh. The world is to temporary for my liking.

i've seen the future, and there's no death, 'cause you and I, we're angles...
 
posted by sasha
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12.03.2002,23:53
and in the end, the thing is, these colours are really fucking ugly. somewhere, somehow, i will fix them (and the world's ugliest font they hang out with). someday.
 
posted by sasha
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,23:38
so thus the question is: why the fuck do i seem to have to post this one paragraph at a time????
 
posted by sasha
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,23:37
but who cares anyways, right? and this IS more fun than studying darwin and company for my history final. which i really don't want to write. see, the thing is (SEE!! there it is again!) that i was really enjoying the past few days. peaceful-relaxing-surreal-dream days floating in bed and around trout lake and into soothing cafes on the drive with C. i need a fucking vacation, friends, sex, sangria, and sleeping til noon, not several weeks of exams. i need some space. and privacy. and to be loved. and sanity. november's over, why am i still suffering from it??
 
posted by sasha
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,23:37
and neatly avoids the question. why am i doing this? is it some kind of expression of my inner exhibitionist, like hey, i know, let's smear my thoughts all over the internet? is it some profound feeling of isolation, a desperate cry of 'is anybody out there?' or maybe it's just beacuse now friends who are far away can still listen to my inane ramblings and i'll have a new excuse for procrastinating about school work...
 
posted by sasha
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,23:36
now the thing is (and isn't there always a thing is) that i have to admit that my desire to do this (is blog a verb?) is completely unoriginal, and based largely on the time when my brain said 'hey, i like reading keri's webpage. i wonder if i could do that?' and admittedly i can already tell i won't be able to do it as well (i admit, i don't even fucking remember how to change my fonts!!) maybe she'll come read it anyways. maybe i'll make all my friends read it and refuse to talk to them unless they do... but that's really damned unlikely.
 
posted by sasha
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,23:34
hmmm.... i wonder if this will actually work... see, the thing is that I REALLY do not remember how to program ANYTHING so in theory these guys'll do it for me... right?? now, i should probably know better than to trust them, but i suppose we shall see. then again, it probably doesn't matter, since no one will probably ever see this anyways. unless i change my mind.

 
posted by sasha
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